Billy Masters 05.18.23
"That's really hard, because Brad was the sort of major chemistry, love of your life, at the time. And then Ben was, like, technically excellent."
– Gwyneth Paltrow– compares Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck in bed. Sounds like Ben has moves.
Being of a certain age, I've had my nether regions extensively examined. Recently, I was told that one particular organ was in great shape because it was surprisingly small. Happily, the organ in question was my prostate. This good news would have carried more weight had the examiner been a medical professional.
Shortly after we went to press last week, CBS un-cancelled "S.W.A.T."–due, in no small part, to the efforts of Shemar Moore. The star of the show not only rallied fans on social media, and pointed out, among other things, that the series was the most racially diverse show on CBS. Whatever he said seems to have done the trick, because the show was back on the roster within 48 hours.
As of this writing, the Tony Awards will not be televised due to the Writers Guild strike. Yes, believe it or not, professionals actually write the terrible banter you hear on all awards shows. I mean no disrespect to members of the Writers Guild–of which I am a member. However, some shows could probably come off quite well without professional assistance. Sure, we might miss some witty repartee. But, I firmly believe Audra McDonald is more than capable of going on stage, announcing the people nominated for Best Choreographer, opening an envelope, and reading the winner. But in this scenario, Audra would have to cross a picket line, which I suspect she'd be loath to do. If the show is not aired, then the writers won't picket. So we could very well have a non-televised Tonys. Which brings up the age-old question–if an award is presented in private, did anyone really win anything?
Anita Baker is in the midst of a farewell tour. Where is she going? And why? No one knows. Her opening act is Babyface–who is actually the co-headliner since he's probably a bigger name than her. The twosome were due to appear at the Prudential Center in Newark, NJ last week. The show was delayed two hours due to "technical difficulties"–which I hear stem from a malfunctioning video wall at the back of Baker's set. Because of this snafu, Baker asked Babyface not to perform–because the show had to end at the scheduled time or it would result in enormous overtime (once again, a union thing). Babyface let people know this was not his choice. "I was asked not to perform in order to give Ms. Baker her space and time to perform her show in its entirety. My band and I are extremely saddened we didn't get to perform for y'all tonight." His fans were pissed and, let's face it–most of the audience was there to see him, anyway. Someone pointed out that the diva has done this before. "Anita Baker needs to stop having Co-headliners if she going to continue to act this way. She did this a while back with Maxwell." I say Maxwell and Babyface should do their own tour!
Our pal Gio Benitez has a new gig. He'll co-anchor "Good Morning America" on Saturdays and Sundays, which I didn't even know existed. He'll be joining co-hosts Whit Johnson and Janai Norman–two names I've never heard of before. Eh, Gio's getting paid, so that makes me happy. But don't expect me to get up at 7AM on a weekend to tune in.
Didya know there's a gay Kennedy? Well, there's a few. But we're talking about Caroline Schlossberg–JFK's handsome daughter who used to amble out and welcome people to the "Kennedy Center Honors". Guess what? She's got herself a lesbian daughter! Rose Schlossberg married a woman last year. How did I miss that? Her wife, Rory McAuliffe, owns a restaurant and bar in Ojai, California imaginatively named Rory's Place. Apparently Rory and Rose were dating for about eight years before tying the knot in front of 300 family and friends. The ceremony was officiated by Tim Shriver, Rose's cousin. So why am I bringing this all up now? According to sources, the couple wants to have kids. "Rose and Rory are on the lookout for the perfect guy to serve as a sperm donor." I dunno if they're interested, but I've got buckets of sperm here with nowhere to go.
A report in "Rolling Stone" cites unnamed workers on "The Kelly Clarkson Show" as being bullied, intimidated, overworked and traumatized by the show's "monster" producers. Kelly Clarkson took to Instagram to respond to the allegations. "In my 20 years in the entertainment industry, I've always led with my heart and what I believe to be right. I love my team at 'The Kelly Clarkson Show,' and to find out that anyone is feeling unheard and or disrespected on this show is unacceptable." And to think it took 15 years before anyone at "Ellen" spoke up!
I hope nobody will be offended by this, but when Adam Lambert was at the Sundance Film Festival at the end of January, he was bigger than I've ever seen him. And I mean that quite literally–his girth was roughly the equivalent of a Buick. The singer has often struggled with weight issues, and was doing that old Diane Ross trick–just putting make-up on the center of his face. But that didn't help when he was wearing a caftan from the Allan Carr collection. That was just 4 months ago. Recently, he showed up at the LA LGBT Center Gala looking astonishingly svelt. Does any of this really matter? Not really–except I want to know his secret. I'm sure something illegal was involved, and that's OK with me ...short of Fentanyl. Eh, even Fentanyl–what the hell.
Isn't it a horrible double standard that I'm now going to tell a story about Lizzo–who is roughly the size Adam was at Sundance–and I'm gonna call her fabulous? But, you know, the mind is a terrible thing to misplace. Lizzo's a big girl with big ideas–and it stands to reason if she's gonna think outside the box, it's a pretty big box. Last month, she wanted to protest Tennessee's ordinance which prohibits adults from performing in drag. First she made a little speech. "In light of recent and tragic events and current events, I was told by people on the internet, 'Cancel your shows in Tennessee', and 'Don't go to Tennessee'. Their reason was valid, but why would I not come to the people who need to hear this message the most? Why would I not create a safe space in Tennessee where we can celebrate drag entertainers and celebrate our differences?" She then brought out 19 drag queens, including Aquaria, Asia O'Hara, Kandy Muse, Vanessa Vanjie Mateo, and a host of other local girls. You go, Lizzo!
This week we got not one but two "Ask Billy" questions about the butts of famous siblings–both named Dylan! The first was from Dan in Chicago, who asked about Dylan Efron showing off his assets on a now-deleted social media post. The second was from Rafi in Boston, who asked about Dylan Sprouse dropping trou in a flick. Turns out there's a connection. Zac's baby brother is playing a wrestler in "The Iron Claw", and Dylan plays an MMA fighter in "Beautiful Disaster". I dunno how good either project is, but both butts get a thumbs up on BillyMasters.com.
When only our proctologist knows for sure, it's definitely time to end another column. There are a hole lotta things to check out on www.BillyMasters.com–the site that knows which end is up! If you have a question for me, send it along to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before I go out on strike! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
