Billy Masters 02.23.23
"I knew I was gay before I knew I was Asian.
–Joel Kim Booster on one of my favorite podcasts, "Mayim Bialik's Breakdown".
Whenever I get a break from being on the road, I catch up on messages people leave. But one person who called didn't leave a voice message–or couldn't. "An inmate at the California City Community Correctional Facility, California City, California. This call and your telephone number will be monitored and recorded. To accept this call, say or dial 5 now." Obviously I wasn't available to say or dial anything. Alas, I don't have a clue as to who was calling. The one thing I do know is that my fan base at the California City Community Correctional Facility is quite extensive. So, boys, just be patient–I'll be by for a group conjugal visit real soon!
The good folks at Atlantis recently hosted a Southern Caribbean cruise on the Harmony of the Seas. Returning patrons found a curious new entry in the official handbook which would have made me raise my eyebrows...if I still had the ability to raise my eyebrows: "While we want everybody to have fun, there are limits and so we ask that you be respectful of all guests and our cruise partners. Please do not post anything explicitly sexual on social media in a public forum or other online space. Any guest who posts or publishes an explicit and publicly visible photo or video will be asked to leave the ship with no refund." No explicit sexual photos or videos from a gay cruise? What is the world coming to! I'm happy to take whatever you have to give at [email protected]. Not only do I not have any gag orders, I am also devoid of any gag reflex!
Everybody seems to be talking about hunky number 89 from the Super Bowl. The person in question was Danny Amendola–formerly #89 for Houston, and also a former wide receiver for the New England Patriots in two previous Super Bowls. You might remember Adam Rippon giving him shaving tips...or was it the other way around? Amendola was recently on "Special Forces: World's Toughest Test". For some reason, the Super Bowl featured a photo of him showing off his muscular assets in a jock strap, which can be found on BillyMasters.com.
My love for Natasha Lyonne was cemented with the perfect first season of "Russian Doll". Still, I went into Peacock's "Poker Face" with some trepidation (similar to how I felt about season two of "Russian Doll"). Sure, the photo of Lyonne in the ad looked eerily similar to her Netflix series. So I braced myself and prepared to be disappointed. I am delighted to report that my devotion has only grown. Charlie Cale has many of the quirks of Nadia Vulvokov...well, except that pesky dying thing. But Charlie has a superpower of her own–she's a human lie detector! This comes in handy as she travels city to city solving murders. Lyonne captivates throughout with her quirky and engaging presence–so much so that the series has already been picked up for a second season.
If you know anything about me, you know that I'm always willing to try a new position. And one just piqued my interest–working for sexy Trace Lehnhoff. You remember Trace–former assistant to Jeff Lewis (of "Flipping Out" fame). Former paramour of Antoni Porowski (from "Queer Eye"). And possibly still dating Miles McMillan (previously with Zachary Quinto). Trace has his own interior design firm and, well, he needs a hand. He's looking for a "Personal Assistant" and is willing to pay $22-28/hour–which is only mildly appealing to me if the office is clothing optional. He adds (and I quote) the following: "It is essential that the candidate is: incredibly detail-oriented, organized, ability to multi-task, excellent communication skills, is a natural problem solver and has an appreciate for design." Someone with good writing skills would really enhance his office immensely.
Details for Prince...er...King Charles' coronation on May 6th are starting to shape up. A highlight of the day will be a gala concert, which I'm told will feature a reconstituted Spice Girls (including Posh–probably with her mike off). However, two people the Palace hoped to lure have already declined. First was Ed Sheeran, who has a stadium concert in Arlington, Texas the night before. Understandable. But what to make of Adele? She reportedly said, "No, thank you," even though she has absolutely nothing on the docket for the entire month of May.
As if the royals don't have enough trouble, they have to deal with that pesky paternity issue. No, we're not talking about Harry. This is about Simon Dorante-Day, a 56-year-old living in Queensland, Australia who claims to be the illegitimate child of Charles and Camilla! According to Simon, his adoptive grandparents worked for the royal family–his grandmother was a cook and his grandfather was a gardener. A deathbed confession from his grandmother (his adopted granny, not Lizzie) claims that he is the biological child of King and Queen Consort. Lots of details don't add up–beginning with him being born in 1966. We know that Charles didn't meet Camilla until 1970 because we all saw "The Crown"! Isn't it just possible that granny was slightly...well, bonkers? Nonetheless, Simon is petitioning the court for a DNA test and says that Charles' coronation will not thwart his efforts.
One often hears about peaceful deathbed transitions. Not so for caustic comedian and actor Richard Belzer. As we went to press, we received word of his passing at the relatively youthful age of 78. His friend, Bill Scheft, reports that Belzer's last words were, "Fuck you, motherfucker." Maybe he saw someone he knew!
We've had lots of celebrity deaths lately. I was struck by the passing of Raquel Welch–surely one of a dying breed, so to speak. It reminded me of a particularly funny story Cindy Adams told about when she interviewed Rocky for "A Current Affair". Rather than recount the story here, I'll post the video of Cindy telling the story on BillyMasters.com. It's definitely worth watching.
Loads of you have written "Ask Billy" questions about the same person. The letter with the earliest postmark (as they used to say in the olden days) was from Harold–a name which was popular in those olden days. "What do you know about the Bloater on 'The Last of Us'? What a massive hunk!"
Call me old-fashioned, but the last thing I'd want to be called is Bloater! That said, Bloater turned up last week encased in what I'm told was an 88-pound costume! And the person wearing that costume is Adam Basil–a British actor and stuntman, which is a nice way of telling us he's muscular! And what a big boy he is–6'6", to be precise (you Brits can look up the Metric equivalent on your own). He's previously appeared on "Game of Thrones", "Beauty and the Beast", and "Let There Be Carnage". I'm sensing a trend here. Happily, he's also posed in a variety of skimpier outfits–including one reminiscent of Welch in "One Million Years B.C." I'll post it on BillyMasters.com.
When being bloated is a good thing, we've come to the end of yet another column. I want to also acknowledge the passing of Stella Stevens–who at one point was scheduled to be on "Billy Masters LIVE" with her son, Andrew Stevens. Come to think of it, Cindy Williams also cancelled on me...twice. See what happens when you stand me up? I'll be annou
ncing some future shows on www.BillyMasters.com–the site that will even talk to people from the Great Beyond! The rest of you can send your questions to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before you get released! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
